Funny Love Images And Quotes Biography
“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
― Zsa Zsa Gabor
tags: funny, humor, men, relationships 388 likes like
William Faulkner
“I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”
― William Faulkner
tags: funny, harsh, ironic 369 likes like
Jeaniene Frost
“Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”
“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
tags: bones, cat, funny, grave, halfway 357 likes like
Maggie Stiefvater
“Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver
tags: cute, funny, love, shiver-maggie-stiefvater-space 349 likes like
Ilona Andrews
“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing…
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.”
― Ilona Andrews, Curran, Vol. I
tags: curran, funny, kate 314 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: funny, happy, sad, sappy 294 likes like
Laurell K. Hamilton
“One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Bloody Bones
tags: anita-blake, bad-ass, funny 255 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
tags: funny, humor, love 249 likes like
Shannon Hale
“If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.”
― Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl
tags: funny 246 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don't consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie
tags: baby, boy, death, funny, hero, heroic, impregnating, man, phone 245 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: boogers, death, flowers, funny, grave 235 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: funny, sex, write-a-book 232 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: astronaut, chocolate, funny, humor, kiss, melt, tinfoil, water 226 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
tags: ego, funny, self-storage 219 likes like
Richelle Mead
“What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again.
"Halos," I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us."
"That might be a stretch.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
tags: dimitri, funny, rose 213 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone. ”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.
tags: absurd, alone, bizarre, funny, hog, humor, loneliness, lonely, lonesome, love, odd, relationships, selfish, selfishness, share, special, strange, weird 213 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: coffee-table, conversation, funny, human, mouth, weird 208 likes like
Stephen Chbosky
“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
tags: friday, funny, reading, television 197 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: banker, funny, interest, lending 193 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: 100, 50, funny, halfway, humor, relationships, stability, willing 187 likes like
“Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
tags: archer, archer-cross, funny, hex-hall, humor, mercer, rachel-hawkins, sophie, spell-bound 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: art, canvas, conceptual-art, empty, funny, humor, imagination, imagine, sell, show, signature 174 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: clones, funny, humor, planet, population, sexy, world-s-sexiest-man 172 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: bellow, cowboy, funny, happy-trail, humor, saloon, stole 171 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: brave, clone, funny, noble, sacrifice 169 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: america, funny, topless-bars 168 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.” ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: buffet, eating, food, funny, gorge, humor, phone, stuff 161 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, insurance, on-quotes, oscar-wilde, quote 151 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: clone, funny, humor, love 147 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her. ”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
tags: belief, believe, bizarre, funny, honest, honesty, humor, liar, lie, lies, lying, odd, sceptic-skepticism, strange, true, trust, truth 372 likes like
Moira Young
“Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.”
― Moira Young, Blood Red Road
tags: blood-red-road, funny, humor, moira-young, rule 363 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: absurd, bizarre, blood, crazy, culinary, food, french-fries, funny, humor, ketchup, silly, surreal 329 likes like
James Patterson
“They call me, The Sharkalator”
― James Patterson
tags: boasting, funny, gazzy, maximum-ride, name-calling, nicknames, sobriquet 238 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: absurd, dolphin, funny, humor, leprechaun, love, rasputin, ridiculous, silly, strange, unicorn 226 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: footnotes, funny, shoes, write, writing-a-book 210 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: eye-patch, funny, genitals, hilarious, humor, naughty, pirate 198 likes like
William Shakespeare
“[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.”
― William Shakespeare, Henry V
tags: funny, henry-v, shakespeare 193 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: funny, huey-lewis, humor, news, weird 193 likes like
Ellen DeGeneres
“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
tags: balance, funny, humor, life 191 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: aquatic-war-machines, fish-tank, funny, nonsense, pacifism 188 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
tags: absurd, feeling, funny, humor, love 187 likes like
Rachel Vincent
“Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.”
― Rachel Vincent, Rogue
tags: funny 184 likes like
Sarah Mayberry
“She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.”
― Sarah Mayberry, Her Best Friend
tags: contemporary-romance, funny, humour, romance 180 likes like
Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal
tags: daemon, funny, katy 176 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
tags: absurd, crazy, friends, funny, loyalty, ridiculous, yalty 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: funny, humor, point, utensil 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Series Mute Women
tags: funny, god, humor, man-upstairs, slinky 173 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: camping, dad, funny, hilarious, humor, kidnapping 168 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: armadillo, brother, funny, ran-over, raspy-voice, stranger 166 likes like
Bauvard
“Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
tags: funny, love, unrequited-love 164 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“You know," Gabriel said, "there was once a time I thought we could be friends, Will."
"There was a time I thought I was a ferret," Will said, "but that turned out to be the opium haze.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
tags: clockwork-angel, ferret, fun, funny, humor, page-268-269 163 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: belief, death, funny, hilarious, humor, introduction, meeting, shake-hands, stranger, tombstone 160 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This
tags: absurd, birthday, funny, humor, ptsd, soldiers, surreal, war, wwi 155 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor 143 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee? ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: absurd, coffee, funny, hold, humor, jockstrap, kind, respect, shiny, wearable 138 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley). ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: bizarre, cats, choreography, dance, dancing, day, football, funny, helmet, humor, odd, participate, strange, time, tuesday, tuna, weird 138 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: absurd, funny, humor, lust, mirrors, naked 138 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor 121 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
― Zsa Zsa Gabor
tags: funny, humor, men, relationships 388 likes like
William Faulkner
“I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”
― William Faulkner
tags: funny, harsh, ironic 369 likes like
Jeaniene Frost
“Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”
“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
tags: bones, cat, funny, grave, halfway 357 likes like
Maggie Stiefvater
“Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver
tags: cute, funny, love, shiver-maggie-stiefvater-space 349 likes like
Ilona Andrews
“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing…
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.”
― Ilona Andrews, Curran, Vol. I
tags: curran, funny, kate 314 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: funny, happy, sad, sappy 294 likes like
Laurell K. Hamilton
“One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Bloody Bones
tags: anita-blake, bad-ass, funny 255 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
tags: funny, humor, love 249 likes like
Shannon Hale
“If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.”
― Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl
tags: funny 246 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don't consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie
tags: baby, boy, death, funny, hero, heroic, impregnating, man, phone 245 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: boogers, death, flowers, funny, grave 235 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: funny, sex, write-a-book 232 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: astronaut, chocolate, funny, humor, kiss, melt, tinfoil, water 226 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
tags: ego, funny, self-storage 219 likes like
Richelle Mead
“What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again.
"Halos," I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us."
"That might be a stretch.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
tags: dimitri, funny, rose 213 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone. ”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.
tags: absurd, alone, bizarre, funny, hog, humor, loneliness, lonely, lonesome, love, odd, relationships, selfish, selfishness, share, special, strange, weird 213 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: coffee-table, conversation, funny, human, mouth, weird 208 likes like
Stephen Chbosky
“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
tags: friday, funny, reading, television 197 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: banker, funny, interest, lending 193 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: 100, 50, funny, halfway, humor, relationships, stability, willing 187 likes like
“Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
tags: archer, archer-cross, funny, hex-hall, humor, mercer, rachel-hawkins, sophie, spell-bound 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: art, canvas, conceptual-art, empty, funny, humor, imagination, imagine, sell, show, signature 174 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: clones, funny, humor, planet, population, sexy, world-s-sexiest-man 172 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: bellow, cowboy, funny, happy-trail, humor, saloon, stole 171 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: brave, clone, funny, noble, sacrifice 169 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: america, funny, topless-bars 168 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.” ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: buffet, eating, food, funny, gorge, humor, phone, stuff 161 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, insurance, on-quotes, oscar-wilde, quote 151 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: clone, funny, humor, love 147 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her. ”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
tags: belief, believe, bizarre, funny, honest, honesty, humor, liar, lie, lies, lying, odd, sceptic-skepticism, strange, true, trust, truth 372 likes like
Moira Young
“Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.”
― Moira Young, Blood Red Road
tags: blood-red-road, funny, humor, moira-young, rule 363 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: absurd, bizarre, blood, crazy, culinary, food, french-fries, funny, humor, ketchup, silly, surreal 329 likes like
James Patterson
“They call me, The Sharkalator”
― James Patterson
tags: boasting, funny, gazzy, maximum-ride, name-calling, nicknames, sobriquet 238 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: absurd, dolphin, funny, humor, leprechaun, love, rasputin, ridiculous, silly, strange, unicorn 226 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: footnotes, funny, shoes, write, writing-a-book 210 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: eye-patch, funny, genitals, hilarious, humor, naughty, pirate 198 likes like
William Shakespeare
“[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.”
― William Shakespeare, Henry V
tags: funny, henry-v, shakespeare 193 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: funny, huey-lewis, humor, news, weird 193 likes like
Ellen DeGeneres
“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
tags: balance, funny, humor, life 191 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: aquatic-war-machines, fish-tank, funny, nonsense, pacifism 188 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
tags: absurd, feeling, funny, humor, love 187 likes like
Rachel Vincent
“Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.”
― Rachel Vincent, Rogue
tags: funny 184 likes like
Sarah Mayberry
“She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.”
― Sarah Mayberry, Her Best Friend
tags: contemporary-romance, funny, humour, romance 180 likes like
Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal
tags: daemon, funny, katy 176 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
tags: absurd, crazy, friends, funny, loyalty, ridiculous, yalty 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: funny, humor, point, utensil 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Series Mute Women
tags: funny, god, humor, man-upstairs, slinky 173 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: camping, dad, funny, hilarious, humor, kidnapping 168 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: armadillo, brother, funny, ran-over, raspy-voice, stranger 166 likes like
Bauvard
“Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
tags: funny, love, unrequited-love 164 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“You know," Gabriel said, "there was once a time I thought we could be friends, Will."
"There was a time I thought I was a ferret," Will said, "but that turned out to be the opium haze.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
tags: clockwork-angel, ferret, fun, funny, humor, page-268-269 163 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: belief, death, funny, hilarious, humor, introduction, meeting, shake-hands, stranger, tombstone 160 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This
tags: absurd, birthday, funny, humor, ptsd, soldiers, surreal, war, wwi 155 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor 143 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee? ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: absurd, coffee, funny, hold, humor, jockstrap, kind, respect, shiny, wearable 138 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley). ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: bizarre, cats, choreography, dance, dancing, day, football, funny, helmet, humor, odd, participate, strange, time, tuesday, tuna, weird 138 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: absurd, funny, humor, lust, mirrors, naked 138 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor 121 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
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