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Funny Love Quotes Images Biography

“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
tags: funny, humorous, jace 9486 likes like
Billy Sunday
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ
tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious 7509 likes like
Suzanne Collins
“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
tags: boggs, finnick, funny, humour, hunger-games, katniss, mockingjay, odair, suzanne-collins, witty 7375 likes like
Chris Rock
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
tags: comedy, everyday-life, funny, humor, observational-comedy 7265 likes like
Phyllis Diller
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller
tags: anger, funny, sleep 6849 likes like
Marilyn Monroe
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe
tags: dirty, funny, logo, sex 5589 likes like
John Green
“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: funny, humor 5190 likes like
Lemony Snicket
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
tags: funny 4973 likes like
George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin
tags: funny, humanity, humor 4972 likes like
Mark Twain
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain
tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor 4880 likes like
John Green
“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: awesomeness, funny 4506 likes like
Ellen DeGeneres
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
tags: funny 4111 likes like
Albert Einstein
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert Einstein
tags: funny 4055 likes like
Cathy Guisewite
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guisewite
tags: eyes, funny, lemons 3876 likes like
Winston Churchill
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
― Winston Churchill
tags: churchill, funny, true 3668 likes like
Jerry Seinfeld
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld
tags: books, funny 3136 likes like
John Green
“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: funny 3108 likes like
Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
tags: crime, funny, humour, neighborhoods 3097 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: absurd, crazy, funny, funny-and-random, humor, love, passion, romance, strange 2882 likes like
Yogi Berra
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
― Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes
tags: funny 2683 likes like
Golda Meir
“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir
tags: funny, golda, meir, true 2555 likes like
Bill Cosby
“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby
tags: funny 2517 likes like
Richelle Mead
“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
tags: funny, sweet 2436 likes like
Suzanne Collins
“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
tags: funny, humor, prank 2434 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: absurd, communication, conversations, funny, humor, mind, people, relationships, sarcasm, sarcastic 2414 likes like
George Carlin
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin
tags: america, dream, funny, humor, wealth 2391 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
tags: funny, humor 2232 likes like
Shel Silverstein
“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!”
― Shel Silverstein
tags: children, funny, poem 2214 likes like
Rachel Caine
“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

“Perv."
He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?”
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley
tags: funny, morganvillevampires 1936 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: discovery, dreams, funny, humor, life, sleeping, surrealism 1911 likes like
Rodney Dangerfield
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
tags: funny, humour, infidelity, parenthood, parenting, sexuality 1866 likes like
Gena Showalter
“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”
― Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth
tags: funny, life 1838 likes like
Nicholas Sparks
“Do you want a cookie?
- What?
- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
- No.
- How can you not want a cookie?
- I just don't.
- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
- I'd eat a cookie?
- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.
- What are you saying?
- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.
- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a
cookie?
- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
- And you don't think that's fair.
- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so
much.
- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,
you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you
said, it's not fair.
- So what are you going to do?
- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair
to ten-year-olds.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
tags: cookie, funny 1761 likes like
J.K. Rowling
“Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
tags: funny, wizards 1747 likes like
Wendy Mass
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.”
― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life
tags: flotsam, funny, humor, jeremy-fink, jetsam, keys, lizzy, wendy-mass, what-i-always-think 1716 likes like
Masashi Kishimoto
“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”
― Masashi Kishimoto, Naruto, Vol. 18: Tsunade's Choice
tags: funny, manga, naruto, women 1698 likes like
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
tags: beatnik, cynical, funny, humour 1686 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: articulate, communication, funny, inspirational, kiss, kissing-quotes, life, mouth, romance, strange, true, wisdom 1670 likes like
Rick Riordan
“Can you surf really well, then?"
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”
― Rick Riordan
tags: annabeth-chase, athena, funny, humor, myth, mythology, olympians, percy-jackson, posiedon, the-lightning-thief, zeus 1662 likes like
John Green
“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
tags: funny, humor, humour, internet, john-green, pedophile, pedophilia, tfios, the-fault-in-our-stars 1619 likes like
Gena Showalter
“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”
― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness
tags: antipathy, dislike, funny, hatred 1602 likes like
“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”
― Stephanie Lennox, I Don't Remember You
tags: fighting, funny, humour, husband, inspirational, love, lover, relationships, romance, spiritual, sweet, wife 1572 likes like
Robert Benchley
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
― Robert Benchley
tags: bleeding, funny, humor, opera, stabbed 1519 likes like
J.K. Rowling
“But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
tags: celebrity, dumbledore, fame, funny 1482 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“aren't you, uh... reproducing?

"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
tags: city-of-bones, funny 1481 likes like
Rick Riordan
“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
tags: funny, silly-chinese-canadian-baby-man 1437 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: funny, humor, impatience, patient, wisdom, wise 1431 likes like
Rodney Dangerfield
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
tags: crime, funny, humour 1417 likes like
Lauren Myracle
“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
― Lauren Myracle
tags: funny, home, life 1356 likes like
Richelle Mead
“You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it."
"I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."
And then he took me to the bed.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
tags: dimitri, funny, rose-hathaway, sweet 1349 likes like
James Patterson
“Can I come in?
No! I'm in a towel!
I'm blind!”
― James Patterson
tags: funny, iggy, max, maximum-ride 1324 likes like
Veronica Roth
“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl" I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent
tags: christina, divergent, funny, humor, tris, veronica-roth 1278 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: absurd, dead-language, death, eulogy, funeral, funny, funny-quotes, humor, humorous-quotations, latin, ridiculous, strange, surreal-quotes, witty-quotes, writing 1262 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: art, bizarre, criticize, funny, humor, meet, museum, strange, surreal 1132 likes like
Lewis Carroll
“Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
tags: alice, alice-in-wonderland, door, funny, humor, wordplay 1090 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: funny, humor, love, price, sale 1015 likes like
Charlaine Harris
“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World
tags: funny, sookie-eric 961 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

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