Funny Love Quotes And Images Biography
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
― Henny Youngman
tags: funny, marriage, men, relationships, women 595 likes like
Becca Fitzpatrick
“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo
tags: anger, cheerios, funny, vee-sky 514 likes like
“The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up"
"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
tags: blood-traitors, death-eaters, funny, humor, muggle-born, muggles, wizards 500 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
tags: city-of-fallen-angels, crazy, eric, funny, humor, love, teen, teenage-love 483 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
tags: funny, humor 421 likes like
Scott Westerfeld
“You're insane!" she shouted.
"Pretty cool, huh?"
"No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?"
Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?"
"More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy.
"Well, kind of. But you suck!”
― Scott Westerfeld, Uglies
tags: anger, coaster, funny, insane, joy, relief, roller, shay, tally 391 likes like
Claudia Gray
“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.”
― Claudia Gray, Evernight
tags: funny, self-knowledge, temptation 380 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“To Do Today, 1/17/08
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats”
― Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This
tags: cats, enlightenment, funny, humor, think, to-do-list, zen 360 likes like
Kelley Armstrong
“Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?”
“No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.”
“Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.”
I smiled. “I’ll remember that.”
***
“Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.”
“Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori.
“Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.”
“So my dark secret is out.”
“I didn’t know it was a secret.”
“Not really. Just not something I advertise.”
...
“Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?”
“Apparently not,” I murmured.
Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…”
“That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.”
“Kind of a letdown, then, huh?”
“No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.”
“All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.”
He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.
“Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?”
I placed it in his outstretched hand.
“You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.”
He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?”
I laughed.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Awakening
tags: funny 348 likes like
Lance Armstrong
“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.”
― Lance Armstrong
tags: acceptance, funny, life, rejection 344 likes like
Criss Jami
“The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.”
― Criss Jami
tags: achievement, arrogance, arrogant, boasting, bragging, challenges, ego, egotistical, envy, fame, funny, funny-but-true, humble, humility, humor, jealousy, money, rich, silence, success, wealth, words-of-wisdom 340 likes like
Laurell K. Hamilton
“Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams
tags: anita-blake, bad-ass, funny 337 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: bravery, chase, courage, funny, humor, tattoo 321 likes like
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: boxing-gloves, fight, fight-quotes, fighting, fighting-quote, fighting-quotes, funny, good-thing, perseverance, willpower 303 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: absurd, clones, funny, humor, love, motto, silly 298 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
tags: funny, humor, love, woe 294 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
tags: funny, humor, quit, smoking, thinking 273 likes like
John Green
“The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
― John Green
tags: dancing, funny, writing 273 likes like
Bertrand Russell
“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.”
― Bertrand Russell
tags: communism, democracy, funny, humour, politics, revolution, socialism 271 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
tags: concert, funny, humor, jim-morrison, music, musicians, the-cars, the-doors 270 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: boxing-gloves, courage, cowardly, flashlights, funny, humor, shadow-box 264 likes like
George Carlin
“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
― George Carlin
tags: funny, god, humor 263 likes like
“Of course you know, this means war.”
― Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny Fifty Years And Only One Grey Hare
tags: funny, looney-toons, war 256 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic?
"Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.”
― Cassandra Clare
tags: funny, magic, magnus-bane 255 likes like
Criss Jami
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
― Criss Jami
tags: funny, funny-but-true, hell, humor, introversion, introvert, introverts, parties, party, partying, people, saints, social, socializing 255 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: funny, obesity 251 likes like
Franklin D. Roosevelt
“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt
tags: funny, humor, politics, usa 248 likes like
“Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
tags: funny, sophie, torin 242 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: clone, fame, funny 215 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned
tags: anita-blake, funny 452 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
tags: clary-fray, funny, name-calling 376 likes like
“It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”
“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass
tags: archer, bad-dog, funny, sophie 374 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: afraid, courage, funny, humor, silence 372 likes like
Jeaniene Frost
“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
tags: funny, love, vampire 330 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I like to spoon after I fork.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: clever, fork, funny, humor, spoon, witty 306 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: appearance, boob, costume, funny, humor, idiot, intelligence, people, smart 295 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose. ”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
tags: death, emotion, emotions, funny, hug, humor, love, noose 283 likes like
Jess C. Scott
“Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.”
― Jess C. Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
tags: body, boy, boyfriend, boys, cool, culture, desire, emotion, friendship, funny, honesty, humor, humour, imagination, individuality, life, love, music, novel, passion, poem, poems, poet, poetry, poetry-life, poets, reality, relationships, romance, self, sex, technology, truth, wisdom, young, youth 271 likes like
Richelle Mead
“Whatever happened to the dragon?"
I mustered my primmest tone.
"He has a name, you know."
Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look.
"I didn't know, actually. What'd you decide on?"
"Hopper" When Adrian laughed, I added
"Best rabbit ever. He'd be proud to know his name is being passed on."
"Yes, I'm sure he would. Did you name the Mustang too?"
"I think you mean the Ivashkinator."
He stared at me in wonder.
"I told you I loved you, right?
"Yes," I assured him. "Many Times”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
tags: adrian-ivashkov, bloodlines, cute, funny, humour, love, richelle-mead, romance, romantic, sydney-sage, sydrian, the-indigo-spell 261 likes like
I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if
“I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
tags: absurd, alcohol, drinking, foreplay, funny, humor, nonsense, romance, romantic, sip, wine 261 likes like
“How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!”
― Cathy East Dubowski, Disney's Toy Story
tags: danger, eyeballs, funny, space 258 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: friendship, funny, relationships, steve-martin 257 likes like
Jon Stewart
“If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.”
― Jon Stewart
tags: ashcroft, civil-rights, funny, patriot-act 253 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: deodorant, funny, sweatshop 250 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: funny, girlfriend, humor, neighbors, sex 248 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
tags: funny, germany, japanese, war, wwii 237 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: bizarre, funny, humor, leather, new-car-smell, strange, weird 231 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: dancing, dinner, funny, humor, perfect-date, sex 227 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: attacked, bear, bearskin-rug, funny 219 likes like
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
“The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
tags: classic, funny, humor 209 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: beard, cigarette, fog, funny, humor, inhale, misty, morning, mornings, shave, smoke, understanding 208 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, murder, surreal 194 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
tags: absurd, fighting, freedom, funny, humor, value 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, loser, truism 169 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
tags: absurd, clone, funny, humor, love 166 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, spoon 161 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
tags: clone, dancing, funny, humor, moon 137 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: dictionary, funny, high-definition, humor, original, webster-s 127 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
― Henny Youngman
tags: funny, marriage, men, relationships, women 595 likes like
Becca Fitzpatrick
“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo
tags: anger, cheerios, funny, vee-sky 514 likes like
“The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up"
"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
tags: blood-traitors, death-eaters, funny, humor, muggle-born, muggles, wizards 500 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
tags: city-of-fallen-angels, crazy, eric, funny, humor, love, teen, teenage-love 483 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
tags: funny, humor 421 likes like
Scott Westerfeld
“You're insane!" she shouted.
"Pretty cool, huh?"
"No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?"
Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?"
"More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy.
"Well, kind of. But you suck!”
― Scott Westerfeld, Uglies
tags: anger, coaster, funny, insane, joy, relief, roller, shay, tally 391 likes like
Claudia Gray
“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.”
― Claudia Gray, Evernight
tags: funny, self-knowledge, temptation 380 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“To Do Today, 1/17/08
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats”
― Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This
tags: cats, enlightenment, funny, humor, think, to-do-list, zen 360 likes like
Kelley Armstrong
“Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?”
“No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.”
“Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.”
I smiled. “I’ll remember that.”
***
“Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.”
“Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori.
“Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.”
“So my dark secret is out.”
“I didn’t know it was a secret.”
“Not really. Just not something I advertise.”
...
“Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?”
“Apparently not,” I murmured.
Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…”
“That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.”
“Kind of a letdown, then, huh?”
“No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.”
“All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.”
He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.
“Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?”
I placed it in his outstretched hand.
“You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.”
He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?”
I laughed.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Awakening
tags: funny 348 likes like
Lance Armstrong
“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.”
― Lance Armstrong
tags: acceptance, funny, life, rejection 344 likes like
Criss Jami
“The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.”
― Criss Jami
tags: achievement, arrogance, arrogant, boasting, bragging, challenges, ego, egotistical, envy, fame, funny, funny-but-true, humble, humility, humor, jealousy, money, rich, silence, success, wealth, words-of-wisdom 340 likes like
Laurell K. Hamilton
“Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams
tags: anita-blake, bad-ass, funny 337 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: bravery, chase, courage, funny, humor, tattoo 321 likes like
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: boxing-gloves, fight, fight-quotes, fighting, fighting-quote, fighting-quotes, funny, good-thing, perseverance, willpower 303 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: absurd, clones, funny, humor, love, motto, silly 298 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
tags: funny, humor, love, woe 294 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
tags: funny, humor, quit, smoking, thinking 273 likes like
John Green
“The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
― John Green
tags: dancing, funny, writing 273 likes like
Bertrand Russell
“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.”
― Bertrand Russell
tags: communism, democracy, funny, humour, politics, revolution, socialism 271 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
tags: concert, funny, humor, jim-morrison, music, musicians, the-cars, the-doors 270 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: boxing-gloves, courage, cowardly, flashlights, funny, humor, shadow-box 264 likes like
George Carlin
“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
― George Carlin
tags: funny, god, humor 263 likes like
“Of course you know, this means war.”
― Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny Fifty Years And Only One Grey Hare
tags: funny, looney-toons, war 256 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic?
"Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.”
― Cassandra Clare
tags: funny, magic, magnus-bane 255 likes like
Criss Jami
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
― Criss Jami
tags: funny, funny-but-true, hell, humor, introversion, introvert, introverts, parties, party, partying, people, saints, social, socializing 255 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.”
― Jarod Kintz
tags: funny, obesity 251 likes like
Franklin D. Roosevelt
“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt
tags: funny, humor, politics, usa 248 likes like
“Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
tags: funny, sophie, torin 242 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
tags: clone, fame, funny 215 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned
tags: anita-blake, funny 452 likes like
Cassandra Clare
“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
tags: clary-fray, funny, name-calling 376 likes like
“It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”
“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass
tags: archer, bad-dog, funny, sophie 374 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: afraid, courage, funny, humor, silence 372 likes like
Jeaniene Frost
“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
tags: funny, love, vampire 330 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I like to spoon after I fork.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: clever, fork, funny, humor, spoon, witty 306 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: appearance, boob, costume, funny, humor, idiot, intelligence, people, smart 295 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose. ”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
tags: death, emotion, emotions, funny, hug, humor, love, noose 283 likes like
Jess C. Scott
“Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.”
― Jess C. Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
tags: body, boy, boyfriend, boys, cool, culture, desire, emotion, friendship, funny, honesty, humor, humour, imagination, individuality, life, love, music, novel, passion, poem, poems, poet, poetry, poetry-life, poets, reality, relationships, romance, self, sex, technology, truth, wisdom, young, youth 271 likes like
Richelle Mead
“Whatever happened to the dragon?"
I mustered my primmest tone.
"He has a name, you know."
Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look.
"I didn't know, actually. What'd you decide on?"
"Hopper" When Adrian laughed, I added
"Best rabbit ever. He'd be proud to know his name is being passed on."
"Yes, I'm sure he would. Did you name the Mustang too?"
"I think you mean the Ivashkinator."
He stared at me in wonder.
"I told you I loved you, right?
"Yes," I assured him. "Many Times”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
tags: adrian-ivashkov, bloodlines, cute, funny, humour, love, richelle-mead, romance, romantic, sydney-sage, sydrian, the-indigo-spell 261 likes like
I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if
“I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
tags: absurd, alcohol, drinking, foreplay, funny, humor, nonsense, romance, romantic, sip, wine 261 likes like
“How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!”
― Cathy East Dubowski, Disney's Toy Story
tags: danger, eyeballs, funny, space 258 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: friendship, funny, relationships, steve-martin 257 likes like
Jon Stewart
“If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.”
― Jon Stewart
tags: ashcroft, civil-rights, funny, patriot-act 253 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: deodorant, funny, sweatshop 250 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: funny, girlfriend, humor, neighbors, sex 248 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
tags: funny, germany, japanese, war, wwii 237 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
tags: bizarre, funny, humor, leather, new-car-smell, strange, weird 231 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: dancing, dinner, funny, humor, perfect-date, sex 227 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
tags: attacked, bear, bearskin-rug, funny 219 likes like
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
“The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
tags: classic, funny, humor 209 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: beard, cigarette, fog, funny, humor, inhale, misty, morning, mornings, shave, smoke, understanding 208 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, murder, surreal 194 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
tags: absurd, fighting, freedom, funny, humor, value 175 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, loser, truism 169 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
tags: absurd, clone, funny, humor, love 166 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
tags: funny, humor, spoon 161 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
tags: clone, dancing, funny, humor, moon 137 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment. ”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
tags: dictionary, funny, high-definition, humor, original, webster-s 127 likes like
Jarod Kintz
“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
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